Start Their Next Day Well with a Consistent Bedtime for School Age Children

This is purely my own personal opinion but one of the gifts we as parents can give our children is the necessary rest they need for healthy physical growth, clear heads, and good attitudes. How many kids unnecessarily start their day bleary of eye, poor in attitude and behavior, seemingly predestined to having a hard day all because they consistently do not get the restful sleep their bodies and minds require? Having an established and consistent bedtime would alleviate many long nights for parents and subsequent poor starts to our children’s days. Young children grow and develop so quickly and particularly need to get substantial amounts of quality restful sleep. But sometimes that whole bedtime thing is not so easy is it?

My wife and I were immensely blessed in that even from an early age, my boys never put up much of a fuss when it came time for bed. Since both my boys seemed predisposed to routines from the beginning, bedtime for us became another facet of good solid family time. Sometimes we pray together as a family, sometimes my wife & separately pray with each child and now that they are older, I encourage each boy to take the lead in our before-bed prayers on occasion.  We also each spent (and still do now) several minutes alone with each boy at bedtime. My wife especially treasures this time because this seems to be the time when each of my boys really open up to her with how they are feeling. As dad, we get to talk about the Giants and the Mets; debate who would win in a fight, the Hulk or Superman? We pose deep questions to each other such “What do you get if a vampire and a zombie both bite a werewolf at the same time?” A zomwerepire? A vamwolfbie? This is all usually punctuated with various styles of armpit farts and the occasional Bible question thrown in for good measure. My wife though, she gets the heart issues, the now “Tween” worries, the life questions. It is all good though (I am smiling even now as a write this) and I have no complaints.

That said, I recognize that a lot of other parents are not so blessed and their children often don't want to go to bed as compliantly as my boys did. Their kids resist, verbally (and sometimes even physically) and going to bed turns into a draining continual battle, a night after night after night trial. And what happens? Even the most patient of parents can lose hope and dreading what is coming, rather going through another contest of wills (that’s what it really is), they just give up, give in and allow their children to stay up until they totally exhaust themselves, sometimes far later than what is honestly good for the child. This leaves you with no down time and your kids “behaviorally-challenged” the next morning.

I would like to offer this up for your consideration:

An established age-appropriate bedtime for your children is good for them as well as good for you, the parent.

“Easier said than done Rich” I hear you saying. And I would agree with you, in many cases, it is easier said than done. Even though I count myself as extremely fortunate in this matter of parenting, we did have our moments on occasion, so I hear you. When it is done though, the benefits are self-evident and the day ends for your family on a positive “God-Infused” note rather than energy sucking battle of wills. Putting that concept into to play and enforcing it though, does mean extra work for a while.

Here are some of my totally personal suggestions for working with your kids to make bedtimes easier, more pleasurable, and work more effectively.

1)      Pick a bedtime which is appropriate for the age and development of your child. Younger children are growing fast and need a good deal of restful sleep. After a time is decided upon, come up with a routine for your child to follow, explain to them way ahead of time what that routine is going to be (we made charts in fact and posted them), and then do your level best to stick with it. When the time arrives, gently, firmly, and positively kick off that routine – “What a great day that was family. Mommy, thank you so much for those great cupcakes we had after dinner. I can’t wait till tomorrow evening so we can finish this movie together. Let’s get on those pajamas, brush the teeth, and get ready for bed.” Then you can pray together, stay together, and night-night. Obviously this routine is just a suggestion on my part and you know what needs to get done in your house so feel free to make your own.

2)      Now that you have a routine established, this is key - time the commencement of your routine so that it doesn't all get crammed into the last few minutes before whatever time is officially “lights out”. The idea is for bedtime to not be an ordeal and the quickest way to add stress is for it to become a race to meet a deadline. If bedtime is 8:00 pm, then consider starting the routine at 7:30. At the beginning it will be a work in progress, so some flexibility while you all figure out the best time & routine is certainly ok. Obviously, as your children get older and more mature the time for bed and the routine will need to evolve as well.

3)      In my strongest opinion, to the greatest extent your circumstances allow, at bedtime you as parents should BOTH personally tuck each child in individually. And give this time to them joyfully. If you put in some thought and effort, the end of your child’s day can be special and simply dismissing your kids to bed with a distracted peck on the cheek while you remain watching TV robs you and the child of some real quality moments. Use this time to talk about the day that just went by and the next day to come. If you sense that your child has something on their mind, this may be the time they open up to you so make that gentle inquiry. You might pray, read a story, or quietly sing a special song together. Different families do different things, try to make it fun and meaningful, but also keep it low key and do not hype up an otherwise relaxed child. Next step is lights out and sleepy time.

4)      And this is when things can become challenging… In my opinion when it is time for bed you must enforce a measure of quietness. Your child may say they do not feel tired. What is your response? Maybe lying quietly is all you can require. It all depends on the child. With the monitoring technology available to us today as parents, it is no longer necessary to sit in a dark room to make sure your child is not up, turning the lights on and playing but you may have to wait just outside the door initially to make a prompt response. Again though, BE FLEXIBLE. If your child is softly singing to herself but otherwise is calm and restive, I say go with it. She is not resisting, she is relaxing, and you have the enjoyment of listening in as she ends her day with a favorite song. I would count that as one of those special moments I was talking about earlier.

5)      And now we get to the wild child, the one who repeatedly gets up or calls out for attention. I would recommend that you quickly, calmly, and firmly get the child back in bed with as little dialogue as possible. (Personally, this is the thing that challenges my calm –“Dude, again? You just went potty like 90 seconds ago”.) Sometimes (especially at the beginning) this is the child testing you. Sometimes the reason is valid in that they simply forgot to use the bathroom before bed and now they need to go. Sometimes it is a means to stall. You know your kids better than anyone and you will know which is which. DO NOT make the mistake of bargaining with them, letting them watch another 5 minutes of TV if they promise to go to bed afterwards. Be the Godly parent, shoulder your biblically-mandated responsibility, mean what you say and resolve the situation. Do not plead for a negotiated compliance which is effectively letting the child call the shots. Even initially, if you have to do this 10 or 20 times, try to do so without frustration because the goal is for you to impart to your child that bedtime is a nonnegotiable. Your boy or girl must understand that bedtime IS NOT a contest that they can “win” dependent upon their behavior or own strong will. It may take some effort on your part but once the idea that “bedtime is bedtime, amen” has been established in your child’s mind, it will go easier.

6)      Finally, hang in there, be consistent, and trust that it does get better. This is important –As things improve ensure you notice and verbally affirm to your child when they do a good job and things go well as a result: “Honey, you did really well brushing your teeth and getting into bed tonight. Thank you for being such a big girl. Now we have a couple of extra minutes and we can sing and read your favorite story together before bed.”

Bedtimes provide dual opportunities:  to build intimacy with your child and to build self-discipline within your child. You and your children both will benefit and something that was once seen as an ordeal to be endured can become a time to look forward to, to be treasured. The rewards that be reaped include a more intimate relationship with your child and much greater insight into their world. And something established at a young age can carry over into the teenage years and what parent does not want to have some insight on their teenager’s thoughts and feelings.