I Was a School Bully

I have a confession that I’m not at all proud of.  

 When I was a kid, I was a bully. 

I guess I started out in elementary school with some lighthearted teasing that went a little too far.  In middle school I progressed to smirks and eye rolls when the “weird girl” spoke in class.  From there, I moved on to whispering and gossiping.

In high school, I grew bold enough to say things to people’s faces.  I gave certain classmates nicknames like “Piggy” and “Beast” and encouraged others to use those monikers in place of their real names.  I pulled stunts and let innocent students take the blame while I gleefully watched them get punished.  I even bullied certain teachers and was purposefully unruly in their class

 I was talking to a friend from high school and he said “Can you believe what jerks we were in school and how we treated other people?” and it seriously made me hang my head in shame.  At the time, my victims asked why I couldn't be nicer. I just didn't know how to explain that I preyed on them so I could have even the slightest bit of power when I felt so small and overlooked. 

I didn’t appreciate that I was being mean as an adolescent but I do now.  As an adult, it seems silly to track down those I bullied in high school although I would definitely feel better if I could apologize so here goes:

 To my teachers: I'm sorry for the nasty notes I wrote about you and for preying on how powerless and weak you seemed when you couldn't control our class.

To my bio partner: I'm sorry I made your life harder than it already was by mocking your upturned nose and "oinking" at you in class, and for prank-calling your house only to laugh at you before hanging up.

 And I'm sorry to everyone else I teased — the girl with the mole on her face, the classmate with the speech impediment, and the boy with the funny-sounding name. At the time, my victims asked why I couldn't be nicer. I just didn't know how to explain that I preyed on them so I could have even the slightest bit of power in a new school where I felt so small and overlooked. 

A few times last year, my daughter came home complaining that someone in class made fun of her or pushed her.  I cringe thinking about anyone being cruel to my little guys but I can relate to the mean kids.  I tried my best to explain to my daughter that bullies aren't bad kids: they're acting out for other reasons.